The Transforming Fourth Trimester

The Transforming Fourth Trimester

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new”. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Consider all of the work you have done in preparation for pregnancy, birthing, and parenthood. Then consider the evolution and transformation you have gone through as a woman through this process. Going into pregnancy often women have had time to define who they are as individuals. This definition could be filtered through work, charity, or some other definitive component of their life. And then some mothers have no idea who they are. Motherhood changes everything including who you are as an individual. Just as the baby experiences “the fourth trimester” so does the mother.

Unfortunately many mothers don’t take the time to just “be”. Transformation is a challenging time for anyone. There was a time when you had only yourself and your significant other to worry about. Now there is a baby to add to that mix and you have new responsibilities and priorities. This is a time to slow down and be gentle with your being. Take inventory and recharge your batteries emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Learn who you are as a mother, a woman, and a transformed human.

Processing
So how can we get to explore and get to know this new person? Journaling can be a powerful tool in this journey. Think about your birthing experience. If you can write about the experience as soon as possible after the birth it allows you time to consider and remember exactly what happened. You have immediate perspective which allows you to write accurately about a life altering event such as birthing. Having this event documented can provide a written account of your childbirth experience coupled with a creative outlet to process the event. What should you write about? Consider the following outline:

• How did you know you were in labor?
• How did it all begin?
• How did you feel?
• What did it feel like? How did you handle the contractions? Did you use drugs or not? How did you feel when you met your baby?
• Consider the different stages of birth and write about each of those phases: prelabor, thinning and opening, transition, final descent, and the arrival of your cherished baby.
• After you have a written account of your birth, considering asking for input from others (birth companion, midwife, doula, your family that was present, labor and delivery nurse, and/or OB). Its nice to have others perspective on your birthing too.

You have completed your record (written, in photos or video). Now take time to re-frame the birth if necessary. Consider what changes you would make for your next birth. Maybe you should bond more with your baby during pregnancy? Maybe your birth experience was traumatic? Would a support group help you? Finding a professional therapist that works with new mothers can be helpful. Some groups that provide both a social and educational component for new mothers are:

• ICAN ~ International Cesarean Awareness Network
• Le Leche League
• Mother Groups
• Local Parent Support Groups
• Online try Yahoo Parenting Groups, CafeMom, or Mindful Mama.
• In the Central Ohio area try CHOICE. They have a parent support group (regardless if you had a home birth or not). Sprout Soup on High Street has groups. The Elizabeth Blackwell Center also has mommy and me weekly get together. If you look into your community you can find wonderful support groups.

Affirmations
So you have been through this powerful trans-formative event called childbirth. The aftermath can leave a mother unsure of herself, possibly with some negative self talk, and possibly an unclear direction or life purpose. Lets now re-frame that thought. The aftermath of childbirth can provide us with opportunity- opportunity for change, for self reflection, and a new way of life. A tool that you may have used during pregnancy for a positive birthing are affirmations. These same tools can be used to help us re-frame our attitudes after birth. Affirmations basically are statements that consciously reprogram your mind to accept new ways of living. Some affirmations that you might find helpful are from Louise Hay’s book “Empowering Women-Every Woman’s Guide to Successful Living:

• I claim my feminine power now.
• I am discovering how wonderful I am.
• I see within myself a magnificent being.
• I am wise and beautiful.
• I love what I see in me.
• I choose to love and enjoy myself.
• I am my own woman.
• I am in charge of my life.
• I expand my capabilities.
• I am free to be all that I can be.
• I have a great life.
• My life is filled with love.
• I have dominion over my life.
• I am a powerful woman.
• I am worthy of love and respect.
• I am willing o learn new ways of living.
• I stand on my own two feet.
• I accept and use my own power.
• I am a peace with being a mother.
• I rejoice and enjoy were I am.
• I love and enjoy myself.
• I love, support, and enjoy the women in my life.
• I am deeply fulfilled by life.
• I explore all the many avenues of love.
• I love being a woman.
• I love being alive at this point in time and space.
• I fell my life with love.
• I accept this gift of my alone time.
• I feel totally complete and whole.
• I give myself what I need.
• It is safe for me to grow.
• I am safe, and all is well in my world.

Gratitude
Going through a trans-formative experience such as childbirth can make us appreciate and live in an energy of gratitude. You may be grateful that you had an empowering experience, that your child was born healthy, or for someone who helped you through the experience. The birthing experience often makes mothers think about their mothers in a much more appreciative light. Possibly you are contemplating the contribution that female mentors have made on your life. These women may have shaped your ideas about motherhood. Often after we go through such a transforming experience we have a new understanding of our own history and those who played a role in it. Expressing gratitude can lead to our feelings of inner peace. It has been reportced that those who express their gratitude are happier and healthier individuals. Consider writing a thank you note or letter to your mother or other important female mentor for all that she has given to you. You could also start a gratitude journal and list those things that cause you to be appreciative during the day. It is hard to see life through rose colored glasses when you are getting so little sleep as a mother. When you take time to smell the roses by writing down a few items that you are grateful for each day your life can be transformed to a more positivce thinking model.

Creative Expression
How else can you process your birth experience? Creative expression can be incredibly helpful when trying to process our experiences. Creating a collage or some birth artistry can bring another light to our birthing story. We use art in a way that often allows our subconscious barriers down and our spirit is given a voice. A birth portrait can be made in an impressionistic, modern, or some other artistic expression. You can use water colors, chalks, decoupage, acrylics, scrap-booking and other mediums. Consider creating your own artistic expressions of motherhood.

“Releasing the Mother Goddess” by Feldman and Adamson explains how enlightening it can be to consider what energies or spirit watched over you during your birthing. Did you have a natural birth? Perhaps a mother Goddess stood over you and urged you to accomplish your duty. Think about the web of women who stood behind, beside, and around you during this empowering experience. Did you have a Cesarean section? Think about how a mother Goddess possibly invoked medical aid to keep you and your child healthy and strong. Think about this web of women who surrounded you with positive birth energy then use that energy to fuel your artistic expression.

Reflection
Taking time for self after giving birth can be challenging for the new mother. However if you can just find time, at least 10 minutes to an hour or more each day you can have the benefits of clarity. What do you do with your ten minutes? Just take time to “be”. Sit quiet and reflect on who you are as a transformed being. Consider the new dimension to your life. If you are a spiritual person take a moment to pray a prayer of gratitude. Or if you feel comfortable meditate or follow a guided visualization to recharge your batteries. Did you know that 10 minutes of meditation can give you better rest than an entire night of sleep? That is critical when you consider how sleep deprived mothers are. Regarding meditation Dr. Wayne Dyer said “Through meditation we can tap in to an abundance of creative energy that resides within us, and a more meaningful experience of life, which enriches us permanently”. Applying that idea to motherhood and you have a tool that empowers and enriches us daily. You can find books on meditation all over the market. Some books which have been helpful for me:

• Dr. Wayne Dyer Getting in the Gap; Making Conscious Contact with God through Meditation
• Essential Tips 101 Basic Meditation by DK Publishing
• The Meditation Bible

The power of laughter
Think about the power of a full belly laugh. It can help rejuvenate the soul and change your entire perspective on life. Taking time to find the laughter in our lives is critical to being well adjusted and even keeled parents. Just as laughter helps to create endorphins during labor, we can use the same principal to help overcome some of the postpartum feelings of being overwhelmed as a new mother. Watch your favorite comedian or movie to find the laughter in your life again. Some suggested video rentals:

• Movies: Planes Trains and Automobiles, The Princess Bride, Bill Cosby – Himself, and others.
• Comedians: Elvira Kurt, Carlos Mancia, Lewis Black, or Ron White.

The physical “phacts”
Now consider the effects of birthing on your body. You may find you are carrying a little extra weight. Your body has morphed into a new physical shape because of the uterus being stretched and the extra fluid retention during pregnancy. Many women are completely disappointed that they are not able to wear their old pre-pregnancy jeans home from the hospital. The adjustment of learning to appreciate your new body can be filled with denial and then focused by reality. Taking time to look in the mirror and embrace the beauty of your new body can be quite empowering. This is your body….a body that previously was innocent and ignorant to what power and courage you possessed. Now post pregnancy and birthing you can embrace the power of maturity in the evolution your body. Being able to look in the mirror and find greater happiness and physical satisfaction is pure joy. Being able to laugh can help you cope with these changes and allow you an opportunity for rejuvenation.

When you are done laughing consider taking some fun “baby and me” time by exercising. Take a walk, garden, go to a local Yoga or Pilate's class, or rent an exercise video. Exercise can be therapeutic and allow you a few moments to either bond with your baby or just quiet reflection. Plus endorphins are created through movement which is beneficial from an emotional standpoint. A great basic Yoga video is Megan Garcia's Mega Yoga. By just moving can help you get in shape and re-frame your outlook on life. Embracing fuller hips, bust line, and body can be empowering but being healthy is beneficial for longevity as a mother. Think about accepting yourself in this moment as a powerful, courageous, and beautiful. That doesn’t mean we should not try to become more healthy for our families, right?

Inner peace as a mother is a balancing act that changes each day. Learning to tune into your needs and desires is critical through this transforming fourth trimester. For more ideas about how to connect with who you are read “Releasing the Mother Goddess” by Gail Carr Feldman Ph.D. and Even Adamson.

How to support a grieving mother

Background: Over the past five years I have been called repeatedly to help with parents whom have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. It is an honor to be able to help directly and indirectly to support these families. Often care givers have asked me how to support the mother or family. Below is an article I recently wrote for my blog explaining what you can do to help a grieving mother. I hope to eventually be able to pull together an entire book for grieving mothers. Until that time I will continue to write short snippets for people to use. My heart is always with mothers grieving or not. I recognize my higher purpose is to help them. And so with that ideal I continue to serve.

You just lost your child due to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. Consider hearing these words from friends and family:
• "It was God's will" or "it was a blessing."
• "Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world."
• "God needed another flower in his garden."
• "At least it wasn't older."
• "You must be strong for the other children."
• "You're young, you'll get over it."
• "Time will heal."

When we lost our son Nikolas one of two things happened with our friends and family; either they said something like the above or they avoided us like the plague.

As a grieving family what we really needed was support. Please keep in mind that every family is different but on the whole I found this to be true. What is grief support? In two words – listening and remembering. Many people purposely stay away from grieving families because they are uncomfortable with the idea of death or afraid they do not have the right words to say. As a parent who has faced loss I can tell you there are no right words you can say that are going to “heal” a hurting family. Trying to give comfort through a few “trite phrases” is not what most folks consider comforting. Instead think in terms of “compassionate care” or “healing listening”.

I want you to take a moment and consider the following scenario; think of birthing without knowing the outcome of the birth. Can you imagine carrying a child just 9 days, 9 weeks, or 9 months? How would you bond with that child? Is it almost immediate? A lot of mothers feel connected from the beginning. Think about then how you deliver your child. Do you labor and have a vaginal birth or possibly a cesarean section? These are all experiences that as women we discuss and tell our own personal story. It is our personal history. Can you understand why a woman would want to discuss this journey with others without even knowing the outcome of the birth? It is a normal exchange that we have as women to talk about our birthings. It is because the experience changes us on a fundamental level.

I see pregnancy and birth as an empowering experience for women. We come into our motherhood beings through this process. So I am sure you can understand a grieving mothers need to talk about her experience. Now consider the impact of the outcome. Depending upon the type of loss and circumstances different emotions are present: guilt, sorrow, anger, sadness, depression, and possibly relief. In each case a child is born. Birth is defined as the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb. Think about it. So even with a miscarriage we go through a process of birth. Rajneesh said “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new”. This process of birth brings forth a new individual with an experience which needs to be expressed on a very basic level. Then you couple birth with the loss, grief, and sadness and we have a human who needs to communicate with others expressing their experience. Unfortunately for the grieving mother there is normally no one to express this experience to. Friends and family are afraid of death, grief, and the overwhelming sense that they can’t “fix “their loved ones.

The death of a child is often an experience which a mother needs to share with or without words. Being a good friend often involves just “being”. “Being” doesn’t involve verbal communication but it does engage the grieving parent through support which is listening, being present, and available. I heard in a seminar recently the words compassionate care. What a great phrase! Compassion doesn’t need words to be expressed it can be done through actions and touch. I remember as a child when a neighbor lost a loved one we would collect food and money for whatever the family needed. That is compassionate care. It is acting and supporting the family through our actions.

The one thing that helped me to process my grief more than anything else was being able to post my feelings and concerns on an online support group of other grieving mothers. Because I had no one personally to talk to about my feelings it was my outlet. This medium was how I got comfortable talking about my son Nikolas as my child and not just an experience to be grieved. I felt validated because someone or anyone could read my inner thoughts. It was an exchange of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. Sometimes I wrote with tears streaming down my face. Other times I would read other mothers posts with tears streaming down my face. And sometimes we all laughed over an experience. It felt freeing to be able to just “be” in this environment. I longed for this type of exchange locally with friends and family. My friends didn’t understand what I needed. I tried to talk about Niko but it always made everyone uncomfortable. I longed for someone besides my husband to talk with. I wanted one person to just connect with and share the journey of my son. That never really happened. In fact I felt the loss put a wedge between my best friend and me. She was never able to listen comfortably and was never “present” in a way that I needed. It would have been so wonderful to have had a safe space to be able to express myself with another human.

The term in grief support groups that is often thrown around is “invisible mother”. Mothers whom have lost a child are often invisible by society. People recognized me as a mother for my daughters who are here. But I came into motherhood from my dear son’s birth. That experience changed my life forever just as it has changed countless other mothers regardless of the outcome of the birth. Remembering the babies’ birth or angel date is an important part of compassionate care and helps validate the invisible parent. You can do something so simple by just saying “I remember this is the day your child was born or died. Do you want to talk about him or her today? Is there anything you need right now? Allowing a safe space for a parent right after the death or even years later is much appreciated and helpful in the healing process.

So in summary the most important thing that you can do for a grieving mother is compassionate care (listening and remembering), creating a safe place for the mother, and being present. If you can do any or all of these things you are truly a valued treasure for a grieving mother.

For Birthing Professionals - Meditation

This slide show and recorded meditation is for International Doula and Midwives Month. I prepared this for a group I belong to and thought I would share with all of my birthing professional friends. Thank you for all you do.

Here is the link to the meditation: http://www.mediafire.com/file/wuintdjwmi5/Meditation for Self Esteem Relaxation.cda

Summer Schedule- Sacred Beginning