How to support a grieving mother

Background: Over the past five years I have been called repeatedly to help with parents whom have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. It is an honor to be able to help directly and indirectly to support these families. Often care givers have asked me how to support the mother or family. Below is an article I recently wrote for my blog explaining what you can do to help a grieving mother. I hope to eventually be able to pull together an entire book for grieving mothers. Until that time I will continue to write short snippets for people to use. My heart is always with mothers grieving or not. I recognize my higher purpose is to help them. And so with that ideal I continue to serve.

You just lost your child due to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. Consider hearing these words from friends and family:
• "It was God's will" or "it was a blessing."
• "Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world."
• "God needed another flower in his garden."
• "At least it wasn't older."
• "You must be strong for the other children."
• "You're young, you'll get over it."
• "Time will heal."

When we lost our son Nikolas one of two things happened with our friends and family; either they said something like the above or they avoided us like the plague.

As a grieving family what we really needed was support. Please keep in mind that every family is different but on the whole I found this to be true. What is grief support? In two words – listening and remembering. Many people purposely stay away from grieving families because they are uncomfortable with the idea of death or afraid they do not have the right words to say. As a parent who has faced loss I can tell you there are no right words you can say that are going to “heal” a hurting family. Trying to give comfort through a few “trite phrases” is not what most folks consider comforting. Instead think in terms of “compassionate care” or “healing listening”.

I want you to take a moment and consider the following scenario; think of birthing without knowing the outcome of the birth. Can you imagine carrying a child just 9 days, 9 weeks, or 9 months? How would you bond with that child? Is it almost immediate? A lot of mothers feel connected from the beginning. Think about then how you deliver your child. Do you labor and have a vaginal birth or possibly a cesarean section? These are all experiences that as women we discuss and tell our own personal story. It is our personal history. Can you understand why a woman would want to discuss this journey with others without even knowing the outcome of the birth? It is a normal exchange that we have as women to talk about our birthings. It is because the experience changes us on a fundamental level.

I see pregnancy and birth as an empowering experience for women. We come into our motherhood beings through this process. So I am sure you can understand a grieving mothers need to talk about her experience. Now consider the impact of the outcome. Depending upon the type of loss and circumstances different emotions are present: guilt, sorrow, anger, sadness, depression, and possibly relief. In each case a child is born. Birth is defined as the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb. Think about it. So even with a miscarriage we go through a process of birth. Rajneesh said “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new”. This process of birth brings forth a new individual with an experience which needs to be expressed on a very basic level. Then you couple birth with the loss, grief, and sadness and we have a human who needs to communicate with others expressing their experience. Unfortunately for the grieving mother there is normally no one to express this experience to. Friends and family are afraid of death, grief, and the overwhelming sense that they can’t “fix “their loved ones.

The death of a child is often an experience which a mother needs to share with or without words. Being a good friend often involves just “being”. “Being” doesn’t involve verbal communication but it does engage the grieving parent through support which is listening, being present, and available. I heard in a seminar recently the words compassionate care. What a great phrase! Compassion doesn’t need words to be expressed it can be done through actions and touch. I remember as a child when a neighbor lost a loved one we would collect food and money for whatever the family needed. That is compassionate care. It is acting and supporting the family through our actions.

The one thing that helped me to process my grief more than anything else was being able to post my feelings and concerns on an online support group of other grieving mothers. Because I had no one personally to talk to about my feelings it was my outlet. This medium was how I got comfortable talking about my son Nikolas as my child and not just an experience to be grieved. I felt validated because someone or anyone could read my inner thoughts. It was an exchange of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. Sometimes I wrote with tears streaming down my face. Other times I would read other mothers posts with tears streaming down my face. And sometimes we all laughed over an experience. It felt freeing to be able to just “be” in this environment. I longed for this type of exchange locally with friends and family. My friends didn’t understand what I needed. I tried to talk about Niko but it always made everyone uncomfortable. I longed for someone besides my husband to talk with. I wanted one person to just connect with and share the journey of my son. That never really happened. In fact I felt the loss put a wedge between my best friend and me. She was never able to listen comfortably and was never “present” in a way that I needed. It would have been so wonderful to have had a safe space to be able to express myself with another human.

The term in grief support groups that is often thrown around is “invisible mother”. Mothers whom have lost a child are often invisible by society. People recognized me as a mother for my daughters who are here. But I came into motherhood from my dear son’s birth. That experience changed my life forever just as it has changed countless other mothers regardless of the outcome of the birth. Remembering the babies’ birth or angel date is an important part of compassionate care and helps validate the invisible parent. You can do something so simple by just saying “I remember this is the day your child was born or died. Do you want to talk about him or her today? Is there anything you need right now? Allowing a safe space for a parent right after the death or even years later is much appreciated and helpful in the healing process.

So in summary the most important thing that you can do for a grieving mother is compassionate care (listening and remembering), creating a safe place for the mother, and being present. If you can do any or all of these things you are truly a valued treasure for a grieving mother.

Parenting a Memory

"The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool; the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions, affecting many, many people". — De Frain,1991

The phrase parenting a memory is a foreign concept for those families whom have never lost a child. Most families dreams of parenting a child is a reality. They have a child to guide, nurture, and love. For those parents whom have lost a child either through neonatal loss or later on in childhood that reality is so different. These parents had the same hopes, dreams, and aspirations that other families have for their children but unfortunately feel as though they are invisible. They feel invisible initially because friends and family are afraid to talk about the child lost. They feel as though if they don't talk about the baby or child they can stop the hurt or avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Holidays, anniversary dates, or even mother or father days are celebrated in a different spirit than those whom never experienced such a loss. In neonatal or child deaths, families actually had a short tangible time frame where they held their baby in their arms. Prenatal and Postnatal bonding happened. That is to say its different than miscarriages and stillbirths. Of course each loss carries its own unique horrible pain, and grief. I am in not indicating that one grief is more painful than another. I am saying that each is unique in that the aftermath is handled a bit differently.

So what is parenting a memory? First, for the parents of the child it is remembering milestones, anniversaries, and finding a way for their babies life to be remembered, respected, and have meaning. Second, supportive grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends participate in remembering these milestones. It is emotionally and spiritually helpful to the parents. This includes being supportive listeners.

How do these goals get accomplished? How can we parent a memory? There are many ways to celebrate the memory of the life of the baby or child:

Going to the grave and reading a story
A birthday or holiday celebration
A poem, angel, or other memento given during a holiday i.e. an ornament for the tree
Planting a memory garden
A balloon release at a park, cemetery, or elsewhere
Purchasing jewelry– rings, necklaces, bracelets, and earrings in remembrance of a lost child.
Stain glass ornaments, wind-chimes, sun catchers, dream catchers, and even decals are available to be personalized as a gift for families.
Listening to the parents talk about their hopes, memories, and dreams for their child.
During the holidays send a memorial tree to be planted, send a candle to be lit in memory, choose a journal or album for recording memories
Find a book that might be helpful through out the grieving process.
Create a garden stone engraved with a special saying.
Send a flower vase which could be filled with flowers on the difficult days of the year.
Write a letter or share a poem with the family in remembrance of their little one
Create a care package with a selection of comfort gifts during different holidays or anniversaries.
Create an inspirational collage

Keep in mind that as humans we truly aren't supposed to bury our children. We are supposed to outlive our children. This loss is truly devastating because of the reoccurring pain that happens through the years. We assimilate the grief into our lives and learn to live with it in our lives. The support of community, family, and friends are necessary to the survival of many parents. Because of the intense feeling of grief associated with the death of a child and the serious risk factors to parents (suicide, depression, and other health issues) it is critical to learn to honor the memory of our lost children. As a member of our family called society we each have a responsibility to help each other. That includes taking a village to raise our children on this plane and remembering the children that have passed in heaven. William Shakespeare said Grief fills the room up of my absent child, lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words." Imagine having your beautiful light of love extinguished and replaced by agonizing pain and despair.

If you could do just one kind thing for a parent in this despair, it would be to remember their little soul in any creative manner that you choose. You would be surprised at how much love and light you can spread one parent at a time.

Remembering my cousin Marko & Kim's baby who was recently born still ~ David Spencer