How to support a grieving mother

Background: Over the past five years I have been called repeatedly to help with parents whom have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. It is an honor to be able to help directly and indirectly to support these families. Often care givers have asked me how to support the mother or family. Below is an article I recently wrote for my blog explaining what you can do to help a grieving mother. I hope to eventually be able to pull together an entire book for grieving mothers. Until that time I will continue to write short snippets for people to use. My heart is always with mothers grieving or not. I recognize my higher purpose is to help them. And so with that ideal I continue to serve.

You just lost your child due to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. Consider hearing these words from friends and family:
• "It was God's will" or "it was a blessing."
• "Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world."
• "God needed another flower in his garden."
• "At least it wasn't older."
• "You must be strong for the other children."
• "You're young, you'll get over it."
• "Time will heal."

When we lost our son Nikolas one of two things happened with our friends and family; either they said something like the above or they avoided us like the plague.

As a grieving family what we really needed was support. Please keep in mind that every family is different but on the whole I found this to be true. What is grief support? In two words – listening and remembering. Many people purposely stay away from grieving families because they are uncomfortable with the idea of death or afraid they do not have the right words to say. As a parent who has faced loss I can tell you there are no right words you can say that are going to “heal” a hurting family. Trying to give comfort through a few “trite phrases” is not what most folks consider comforting. Instead think in terms of “compassionate care” or “healing listening”.

I want you to take a moment and consider the following scenario; think of birthing without knowing the outcome of the birth. Can you imagine carrying a child just 9 days, 9 weeks, or 9 months? How would you bond with that child? Is it almost immediate? A lot of mothers feel connected from the beginning. Think about then how you deliver your child. Do you labor and have a vaginal birth or possibly a cesarean section? These are all experiences that as women we discuss and tell our own personal story. It is our personal history. Can you understand why a woman would want to discuss this journey with others without even knowing the outcome of the birth? It is a normal exchange that we have as women to talk about our birthings. It is because the experience changes us on a fundamental level.

I see pregnancy and birth as an empowering experience for women. We come into our motherhood beings through this process. So I am sure you can understand a grieving mothers need to talk about her experience. Now consider the impact of the outcome. Depending upon the type of loss and circumstances different emotions are present: guilt, sorrow, anger, sadness, depression, and possibly relief. In each case a child is born. Birth is defined as the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb. Think about it. So even with a miscarriage we go through a process of birth. Rajneesh said “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new”. This process of birth brings forth a new individual with an experience which needs to be expressed on a very basic level. Then you couple birth with the loss, grief, and sadness and we have a human who needs to communicate with others expressing their experience. Unfortunately for the grieving mother there is normally no one to express this experience to. Friends and family are afraid of death, grief, and the overwhelming sense that they can’t “fix “their loved ones.

The death of a child is often an experience which a mother needs to share with or without words. Being a good friend often involves just “being”. “Being” doesn’t involve verbal communication but it does engage the grieving parent through support which is listening, being present, and available. I heard in a seminar recently the words compassionate care. What a great phrase! Compassion doesn’t need words to be expressed it can be done through actions and touch. I remember as a child when a neighbor lost a loved one we would collect food and money for whatever the family needed. That is compassionate care. It is acting and supporting the family through our actions.

The one thing that helped me to process my grief more than anything else was being able to post my feelings and concerns on an online support group of other grieving mothers. Because I had no one personally to talk to about my feelings it was my outlet. This medium was how I got comfortable talking about my son Nikolas as my child and not just an experience to be grieved. I felt validated because someone or anyone could read my inner thoughts. It was an exchange of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. Sometimes I wrote with tears streaming down my face. Other times I would read other mothers posts with tears streaming down my face. And sometimes we all laughed over an experience. It felt freeing to be able to just “be” in this environment. I longed for this type of exchange locally with friends and family. My friends didn’t understand what I needed. I tried to talk about Niko but it always made everyone uncomfortable. I longed for someone besides my husband to talk with. I wanted one person to just connect with and share the journey of my son. That never really happened. In fact I felt the loss put a wedge between my best friend and me. She was never able to listen comfortably and was never “present” in a way that I needed. It would have been so wonderful to have had a safe space to be able to express myself with another human.

The term in grief support groups that is often thrown around is “invisible mother”. Mothers whom have lost a child are often invisible by society. People recognized me as a mother for my daughters who are here. But I came into motherhood from my dear son’s birth. That experience changed my life forever just as it has changed countless other mothers regardless of the outcome of the birth. Remembering the babies’ birth or angel date is an important part of compassionate care and helps validate the invisible parent. You can do something so simple by just saying “I remember this is the day your child was born or died. Do you want to talk about him or her today? Is there anything you need right now? Allowing a safe space for a parent right after the death or even years later is much appreciated and helpful in the healing process.

So in summary the most important thing that you can do for a grieving mother is compassionate care (listening and remembering), creating a safe place for the mother, and being present. If you can do any or all of these things you are truly a valued treasure for a grieving mother.