Parenting a Memory

"The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool; the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions, affecting many, many people". — De Frain,1991

The phrase parenting a memory is a foreign concept for those families whom have never lost a child. Most families dreams of parenting a child is a reality. They have a child to guide, nurture, and love. For those parents whom have lost a child either through neonatal loss or later on in childhood that reality is so different. These parents had the same hopes, dreams, and aspirations that other families have for their children but unfortunately feel as though they are invisible. They feel invisible initially because friends and family are afraid to talk about the child lost. They feel as though if they don't talk about the baby or child they can stop the hurt or avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Holidays, anniversary dates, or even mother or father days are celebrated in a different spirit than those whom never experienced such a loss. In neonatal or child deaths, families actually had a short tangible time frame where they held their baby in their arms. Prenatal and Postnatal bonding happened. That is to say its different than miscarriages and stillbirths. Of course each loss carries its own unique horrible pain, and grief. I am in not indicating that one grief is more painful than another. I am saying that each is unique in that the aftermath is handled a bit differently.

So what is parenting a memory? First, for the parents of the child it is remembering milestones, anniversaries, and finding a way for their babies life to be remembered, respected, and have meaning. Second, supportive grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends participate in remembering these milestones. It is emotionally and spiritually helpful to the parents. This includes being supportive listeners.

How do these goals get accomplished? How can we parent a memory? There are many ways to celebrate the memory of the life of the baby or child:

Going to the grave and reading a story
A birthday or holiday celebration
A poem, angel, or other memento given during a holiday i.e. an ornament for the tree
Planting a memory garden
A balloon release at a park, cemetery, or elsewhere
Purchasing jewelry– rings, necklaces, bracelets, and earrings in remembrance of a lost child.
Stain glass ornaments, wind-chimes, sun catchers, dream catchers, and even decals are available to be personalized as a gift for families.
Listening to the parents talk about their hopes, memories, and dreams for their child.
During the holidays send a memorial tree to be planted, send a candle to be lit in memory, choose a journal or album for recording memories
Find a book that might be helpful through out the grieving process.
Create a garden stone engraved with a special saying.
Send a flower vase which could be filled with flowers on the difficult days of the year.
Write a letter or share a poem with the family in remembrance of their little one
Create a care package with a selection of comfort gifts during different holidays or anniversaries.
Create an inspirational collage

Keep in mind that as humans we truly aren't supposed to bury our children. We are supposed to outlive our children. This loss is truly devastating because of the reoccurring pain that happens through the years. We assimilate the grief into our lives and learn to live with it in our lives. The support of community, family, and friends are necessary to the survival of many parents. Because of the intense feeling of grief associated with the death of a child and the serious risk factors to parents (suicide, depression, and other health issues) it is critical to learn to honor the memory of our lost children. As a member of our family called society we each have a responsibility to help each other. That includes taking a village to raise our children on this plane and remembering the children that have passed in heaven. William Shakespeare said Grief fills the room up of my absent child, lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words." Imagine having your beautiful light of love extinguished and replaced by agonizing pain and despair.

If you could do just one kind thing for a parent in this despair, it would be to remember their little soul in any creative manner that you choose. You would be surprised at how much love and light you can spread one parent at a time.

Remembering my cousin Marko & Kim's baby who was recently born still ~ David Spencer