Supporing a Grieving Family By Sharon Gourlay BA, C.Ht, HBCE, HBIMI, RMT

Supporting a Grieving Family
By Sharon Gourlay BA, C.Ht, HBCE, HBIMI, RMT
© March 25, 2010

Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy.--Sai Baba

As a birth professional one of the hardest tasks you may face is how to support a family who has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. Through my own personal loss and then working with families that have experienced this tragedy I have learned that the below three principals are critical:

1. Listen – "A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?" Don't try to find the perfect words. There are none. Listening from a loving and centered heart is what a grieving family needs.

2. Be there - When I say "be there" I mean help the family out if possible. No one wants to cook or eat during this time. Take a prepared meal to them. Offer to take the couple's children for an afternoon so they can connect. If you know the family's religious preference, bring them a candle, an icon, or some other spiritual gift. Help clean out the baby stuff. Offer to help clean the house. These little things can be of tremendous help to the family.

3. Compassion - The mother especially will need a safe space to express her grief (pain, anger, sorrow, sadness). What is a safe space? It's different for each person however I believe the following will uphold most people's desire for a safe space:
a. Create a space that is non-judgmental. Healing and releasing grief can be the work of extremes. For a mother to feel safe she needs to know she won't be judged if she is going through denial or anger and can say what needs to come out of her heart.
b. Being able to support in a whole way a mother that is"broken" (physically, emotionally, and spiritually).
c. Being able to express fears, anxiety, stress and know it will go no further than the safe harbor of your arms.
d. Being able to say nothing. Silence is golden when trying to grieve.
e. If you can hold this space for her please do. Not having a safe space causes us to go inward and retreat which makes the grieving process more physically, emotionally, and spiritually demanding.

One of the things most professionals are afraid of is words! What words can I use to help support this family? What if I say the wrong thing? To that I always say speak from your heart. When we use heart centered consciousness we spread love and that is actually thoughtful speech. We think before we speak and that is good.

Some things that I caution professionals never to say:
• It was God's will.
• You can have another baby.
• It was for the best.
• I know how you feel. (Unless you have personally experienced theloss of a baby.)
• Your baby is in a better place.
• Time heals all wounds.
• At least you have other children.
• It's been __ amount of time….get over it! It is time toget on with your life.
• You now have an angel in heaven.

There are many other things you can say or do that will help:
• What can I do to help you today? Asking to help can be incredibly beneficial. It allows the mother to decide that day on what level she needs help.
• Can I help you with contacting friends and family?
• Offer to help the mother with insurance paperwork etc.
• Offer to take the children for an afternoon at the park, zoo, or whatever might be comfortable for the family.
• I am running errands, is there something I can do for you?
• Prepare some extra meals for the family to put in the freezer.
• Bring the family a pizza or some other meal on a hard day.
• Use the baby's name when talking to the parents.
• Find local and online support group and give them to the family to use or not use.
• Remember birth dates, due dates, and angel dates.
• Participate on October 15th – Pregnancy and Baby Loss Remembrance Day
• Light a candle in memory of the baby and family.
• Give the family a candle they can light or seeds that they can plant in memory of their baby.
• Give the mother a remembrance book so she can write down important facts and events around her pregnancy/birth experience.
• Give the mother a journal so she can express herself in words or a scrapbook in pictures.

Birth Professionals need to remember to be gentle with themselves when supporting a family in this way. You can become emotionally attached and may need to work through feelings yourself. Take time to reenergize and connect with your family. Meditation and prayer support may be important for you to remain connected to your source. To support another being you need to feel connected yourself. You may need space when doing this type of work. Make sure that the grieving family has an alternate support system besides you. Asking for help within the birthing community by other doulas, childbirth educators, and midwives sometimes is necessary to ensure the family is supported those critical first three months after the loss (especially if you are working with other pregnant and birthing mothers). Remember, "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal". The love that you show the grieving mother and family can't remove their heartache but it can help them on their healing journey to see they are supported and love.

Love is, Love endures, Love is the answer.